Change comes whether you want to avoid inconvenience or not. And if you get far enough to recognize that you are avoiding it because you don’t want to be inconvenienced, then you are already too far gone and it’s pretty safe to say that you’re about to get hit with a hurricane.
That’s certainly the case for me. I have held on to this house for six years. Former Boyfriend and I moved in here in October 2009 and it was a time that will live in my memory forever. I was happier than I’d ever been, making a home with my precious pup and beloved partner.
Of course, all of that disintegrated in the year that followed, and 18 months later, we crashed. But we felt it would be inconvenient to break the lease and move. We didn’t want to leave each other, breakup or not. We – I, especially – could not face the decision we had made.
To my surprise, year after year passed and we opted to stay in this house together, flowing into and out of our relationship like two sailors lost at sea. It was too inconvenient to leave. I couldn’t bear the thought of packing all this stuff we had accumulated and going through it to separate out his from mine. Going out and looking for homes. Filling out applications. Getting to know a new landlord. It exhausted me just thinking about it.
And to leave this person I loved so much… I couldn’t do it.
But then, inconvenience or not, part of it was resolved on its own. He left. We separated our possessions and then he was gone. It was inconvenient as hell.
As I stumbled through the 8 month-long aftermath of his exit, things became worse and worse in my home. The energy building was so intense that I wouldn’t be able to stand still – I’d get in my car and drive to my mother’s house, without a plan, without even calling her to let her know. “Something’s a-brewin’,” I jokingly said.
I tried to keep it light, but there was a feeling of pressure that was so intense that I would often find myself crying at work, for reasons I couldn’t identify. That feeling of pressure and built up energy was so intense it felt like a dam was breaking.
I prayed, night and day, for guidance, for release, for courage and for the willingness to accept whatever change I knew was coming. I tried so hard to lay the groundwork.
And then, as with so many big changes, it just happened. I couldn’t be silent anymore. I had to speak my truth and ask for something that I needed. I was so unhappy that I didn’t care what the outcome was – I was willing to take a chance. And it led me down a road that was pretty much the opposite of what I wanted, as I knew might happen. But at least something happened. The pressure is finally diminishing.
And now I’m getting ready to make a new nest. A fresh start.
It is coming, whether I like it or not. And it feels as though I summoned it, quite literally, with a spell. Last week, I wanted to “play Hogwarts” with my nephews. I decided to come up with a way to “clean” their wands of old energy and any latent charms or spells that may have been cast upon them. I did a Google search to find out how to say “Begin again” in Latin. The answer that came was “incipimus iterim.”
I instructed them to tap their wands on a hard surface three times and recite the spell. They tapped their wands, then adorably attempted to say, “Incipimus iterim!” Begin again!
It is amazing to me how we can make magic in our own lives. That spell turned out to be the fresh start that bulldozed into my life just a week later. Begin again.
And it is inconvenient as hell. But it’s the right thing to do. It’s time. And I hope I always remember this the next time I spend days, weeks, months or years avoiding making a change because it’s just too darn inconvenient.