For the love of good, old-fashioned water

When I was a teenager, there were really only two socially acceptable ways to hydrate: Crystal Light and Evian. I remember everyone putting Crystal Light in their water. God forbid we drink it by itself! And the marketing geniuses at Kraft had every adult woman I knew thinking that you could actually lose weight just by adding Crystal Light to your water.

As for those who fell into the plain old water camp (myself, included), Evian seemed to be the trendiest way to hydrate. I remember reading an article in Teen Magazine that models had taken to carrying bottled water with them wherever they went to keep themselves hydrated. I'm ashamed to admit that I pretty much did anything Teen Magazine told me to do - especially if it was something that models did. So I ran out and bought a bottle of Evian, which was experiencing a lot of popularity in the early 90's. (This was long before the BPA scare and Klean Kanteens.)

A month later, my mother clipped an article for me from People Magazine about how popular Evian water had become and that all the coolest celebs were carrying it around. There was a picture of Cindy Crawford getting off an escalator at an airport with a bottle in her hand. Needless to say, I was hooked. (Though, I only bought one Evian water bottle and proceeded to clean it every night and use it for seven months, having no idea about the chemical leaching that was probably occurring. I thought it was ridiculous to pay for a new bottle of water every day, even when I was only 14.)

Fast forward twenty years and we're back in the water trends. Crystal Light is enjoying a resurgence of popularity thanks to their individual powder packs (great for the environment, too, with all the single-use packaging!) and their liquid flavorings. These "water enhancers" are all full of chemicals (artificial flavors, mold inhibitors, fake sweeteners and dyes), but marketed as a fun, hip, sexy way to be healthy and gorgeous. And check out their website blurb:

Create a delicious refreshment with our mixes - whether you and your 4-inch heels are turning sidewalks into catwalks or you’re meeting the ladies for an after-work gossip session. So let that hair down, put on that mini skirt and enjoy low calorie, zero guilt Crystal Light.

Is it just me, or does it make women sound like flaky, artificial, Barbie dolls with nothing better to do in life but gossip and worry about our looks? For that alone, I say, "Crystal Light: Shame on you!" (And I'm oddly offended by the mention of 4-inch heels as if that's a reasonable or healthy fashion standard for the average woman. Please!)

And what else does dear Kraft have up its sleeve? If Crystal Light is too retro for you, then luckily, you can try MiO! It's basically the same thing, but marketed to a younger, hipper crowd, and to both women and men. You think you should drink plain water for your health? Umm, no way! Water is all about what you want, when you want it, according to MiO:

"MiO is the way to help turn water into the drink you need. And it truly is all about you. It’s your flavor and your squeeze...it’s never been easier to help water work for you, at your command."

I'm so relieved that we, as a society, don't have to rely on crappy, disgusting water in order to stay healthy. Thank god we are spared the torture of ingesting that horrible liquid, and that now we can "enhance" it with dyes, mold inhibitors, fake sweeteners, fake flavors and caffeine. What's the point of drinking water if we can't get it exactly the way we want it?!

And if you do consider yourself a purist and try to keep your water au naturel, then thankfully, we have Evian reminding us that water keeps us young. Because we can't be healthy or beautiful if we aren't youthful! And we can't be any of those things without paying several dollars to drink tap water packaged in environmentally-destructive plastic bottles.

Okay, I know, I pretty much never get sarcastic around here, but honestly - this nonsense surrounding water has got me all riled up. Water is one of the most basic necessities of life. It's simple, pure and doesn't have or need any frills, bells, whistles or bling. Nothing is more satisfying when you are hot and thirsty. And it's so, so good for your body and your skin.

If you have troubled skin, adding a tablespoon of chemicals to your water isn't going to help. Instead of having water flush out the toxins in your system, your just adding more toxins. And I think we all know by now that we don't need a bottle of $5 tap water from the grocery with a fancy, French-looking label. (If you haven't seen Tapped yet, please watch it! It's amazing.)

So folks, please - if you want glorious, glowing, healthy skin, stick to good, old fashioned water. Skip all the "enhancements" - they enhance nothing and just cause your body a lot more problems in the long run.