A couple years ago, when Glowing: Soulful Skincare was first published, I decided to really start putting myself out there by making videos. This was not something that came naturally or easily for someone who abhors the spotlight. But I charged ahead.
Not surprisingly, I hated it. I hated seeing myself in videos. It brought out my insecurities in a fierce way. (Little did I know this would be one of the first steps that would lead me to create She Came Into Focus.)
And if that wasn't enough, I was enthralled with the videos being created by my contemporaries. Oh my gosh. The sets. The lighting. The wardrobes. The makeup. Everything. And it was far beyond my reach. I knew that right away. Not because I was too ugly, or too stupid or anything like that. But it just wasn't something I wanted to invest my time or money into. But somehow, even that made me feel like a failure on the video front.
Not enough. It all felt like not enough.
If I'm to be honest, I have to admit that I tried to overcompensate by trying so damn hard to make myself look "pretty enough" (which I never felt I did) and to make my "set" (my office) look "professional enough" (which I never felt it did) and to make my skills at creating videos look "talented enough" (which I never felt they did). I look back on some of those videos and I cringe. I feel like I was trying SO DAMN HARD.
In the end, what did it matter? I had information I wanted to share and that should be the beginning, middle and end of it. Who the hell cares what I look like? Who the hell cares what my "set" looks like? In fact, I often find myself frustrated with those video divas I admire so much - I want to see what their real life is like SO MUCH. Not the set. Not the wardrobe. Not the makeup. Not the script.
For me, and the work that I do and want to do, it's essential for me to put myself out there as real as can be. There's no She Came Into Focus with all these worries I have about how things LOOK or with all the filters I've been putting on myself. It isn't real. There's no authenticity there.
So yes, I'm a middle-aged woman with badly damaged skin, who is adorably chubby, majorly insecure and who is trying really, really hard to manage her spirit, just like I write about on my blog and in my books. I don't have a fancy set, or a fancy camera or fancy mics (yeah, sorry about that part - you'll need headphones for this next video). And I don't care enough about making videos (at least right now) to invest in those things. Maybe someday. But definitely not now. For me, the only thing that matters in the videos is just sharing myself, as I am, technically proficient and well-supplied, or not.
I've been wanting to get back into videos, to help me share what I'm writing about in my new book and I struggled for weeks with how to go about this. But again, the answer came to me: Who cares? Why am I wasting time fretting about it?
Just do it.
So I went out to one of my favorite woodland spots and I recorded this. Again, sorry about the sound. I'll work on that.
May we all be our true selves, loved and unafraid.
P.S. If you want to see the real me in a video, check out my She Came Into Focus video. I'm super proud of that video. That's all me. Real and unfiltered.