Before I begin here, let me warn you that this is a "mature post." It's about a sensitive topic and it contains explicit language. I feel it's important to give readers a heads-up on that because I've always tried to keep this blog G-rated. However, it felt important to present this exactly as it came through to me.
Secondly, I want to emphasize that this post is NOT about politics. I'm not interested in a political debate, I don't care who you're voting for, and I don't care how you feel about the candidates. This post is about Rape Culture - if you feel the need to comment, please stay on topic, and leave the politics out of it.
Finally, I use the term rape here to describe any action in which a person physically forces themselves, in any way, on another person in a sexual manner. This includes touching or grabbing someone's crotch or breasts without permission. I realize many would argue that classifying this as rape is inflammatory and a gross exaggeration, but in my opinion, such behavior is taking sexual ownership over someone else's body, and it is WRONG. Obviously, there is a difference between actual, penetrative rape and unwanted, uninvited sexual contact, and the appropriate response to that will vary, depending on the degree of violation, but my point is that it is ALL violation and should not be tolerated on any level.
And into the dark woods we go...
I often ask myself why I am so drawn to Mary Raedwolfe’s story, why I am still writing about her after The Poison Box. Sometimes, I question my creative urges and try to come up with a purpose behind the project. I’ve been exploring this a lot, lately, while working a bit at a time on the TPB’s two sequels.
But after two days of witnessing social media debates about a certain politician’s comments regarding women, it became clear to me why Mary’s story is important. Obviously, we are still living smack in the middle of Rape Culture. Despite all our social progress, we’re still living in a time when women condone rape mentality. (Yeah, I said women.)
That’s what shocks me the most – the women who say that this is okay. The men’s comments I observed were largely aimed at attacking the female candidate, while (perhaps wisely) avoiding comment on the issue at hand. Dozens and dozens of women, however, said “women like that deserve what they get.” The women they defined who fit into this category included gold diggers, porn stars, sluts, women who dress like sluts, and beauty pageant contestants. Apparently, these women don’t deserve to have sovereignty over their own bodies and it’s okay for a man to take what he wants from them, whether they consent or not.
There are a lot of men who are sexually promiscuous. Does that mean that they shouldn’t have sovereignty over their bodies, too? That a woman (or another man) could, by rights, take whatever she/he wants from that body? Or if a man uses money to get what he wants (the way a woman might use sex to get what she wants), does that mean that his bank account is now open for business – that anyone can open his wallet and take what they want? And are we really going to pretend that men never use sex to get what they want from time to time? Yet it’s okay for them to do that, but not women? (And that’s not to say that I’m condoning shadow work – using sex or money or anything – to manipulate people into giving us what we want. But why are women required to stand trial for that, while men are largely unencumbered by public judgment?)
And who, exactly, decides who qualifies for the “Okay to Rape Club?” Who judges what “slut” means? Is it okay for a man to force himself on a woman if she’s slept with 3 men? Or 5? Or do we wait until she hits 10? Or 20? What’s that magic number a man has to wait for before it’s okay to “grab her by the pussy?” What kind of beauty pageant candidate do you have to be in order to be considered fair rape game? Is a talent show “safe?” Are you free meat once you put on a bikini and walk across a stage in high heels? If you work in the sex industry does that mean your vagina belongs to any man or woman who expresses interest in it? If you are more interested in a financially advantageous marriage than an emotional love nest, does that mean you’ve given up the right to say no to unwanted touch or sexual advances? If you like to have a thong peeking out of your skin-tight jeans, does that mean any man can pull you off the street and screw you in an alley and it’s okay because you were "asking for it?"
These aren’t questions I’m asking men. These are questions I’m asking WOMEN. These are the kinds of comments and permissions made by women that I’m seeing and hearing in this debate – which, frankly, I find far more disturbing than the incident that started it.
There are women out there saying that this is okay. That sexual violation is an appropriate response to certain behaviors and life choices.
That chills me to the bone.
This is why I write about Mary. This is why I’m fascinated about a woman who never got a chance to feel an ownership of her body, and who spent her adult life trying to figure out if her promiscuous behavior constituted the perpetuation of that lack of sovereignty…or if it exhibited her empowerment. She doesn’t know. Hell, I don’t even know. I just know the question needs to be asked and explored again and again until we stop saying that this is normal and acceptable. Until women don’t condone rape in any form.
And let’s be clear about one more thing, ladies. Saying that this is okay because it was just a private conversation between two dudes is BULLSHIT. What you say and do in private is WHO YOU ARE. Is it okay to demean people of other races in private, because you’re just “talking shit?” What about relating fantasies about abusing your children or spouse? Is that okay, because it’s just two people having beers and laughing? Let’s be clear that what’s “in the closet” never stays in the closet. If you’re a racist in private, your racism follows you everywhere you go and influences every choice you make. If you’re two guys just making “locker room talk” about forcing yourself on women, then a) SHAME ON YOU and b) your rape mentality and sense of sexual entitlement won't stay in the locker room. It’s everywhere in your energetic system and it will poison every sexual encounter you have (not that you care).
The fact is, we’ll never heal this Rape Culture until women say a hard and fast NO to any and all ways in which a man sexually demeans and/or overpowers a woman no matter how she dresses, no matter what her occupation, no matter who she marries. That includes saying NO to the normalization of rape banter in private conversations.
This is why Mary Raedwolfe exists for me. This is why I write about her again and again, book after book. Like all women, she longs for the freedom to exist in the lifestyle of her choosing (you know, like men get to do). And like all women, she deserves this.